Nagging is NOT Profitable

Is nagging a marriage killer????

According to the Wall Street Journal's article on Nagging in Marriage is More Common than Adultery, I find it interesting how nagging is just as toxic for the relationship as is alcohol, adultery, drugs or (not even mentioned but should be) computer addiction.  Yet, nagging has been going on for many years.

Let's define nagging as the grounds where one person in the relationship seeks something from the other but the other person ignores that request thus prompting another request then ignore....the circle continues until something has to give.

Yet a marraige killer, I am not certain how farfetched this idea is.  Nagging certainly is no fun for either person.  It is a clear sign of a communication breakdown between two people.  The possible solutions to solving the problem will vary according to what's being ignored and what the request is all about.  For two people who love each other and have made a commitment, it is an ongoing challenge because over time, there is a certain level of comfort knowing that you don't have to do much because your spouse will still love you and be around. 

Liken this to couch potatoes who have developed large guts, it's time to change tactics.  Nagging is a problem to the marital relationship.  What I am saying is that even though you ask your spouse to take the trash out and they continue to say In a Minute while watching tv, you know that if you make the request again, it is STILL not going to happen and you've increased the perception of nagging.  Getting someone to do what you desire especially when you've become their warm, fuzzy comfortable bedroom slippers means a definite change in tactics.  Now this is not easy for those of us whose husbands go away on deployments for long periods of time. 

NAME THE PROBLEM is one way to start the process of addressing this negative behavior issue surfacing in your relationship.  By naming it, you redirect the focus from the other person in the relationship to the issue.  No one is being blamed. 

TALK THROUGH THE REQUEST is recommended.  Even though one person does not see why this request must be done immediately, it is wise to have empathy and find out why.  Perhaps your spouse had a horrible day at the office and doesn't want to burden you with it all and just needs a moment to regroup before engaging in home life.  Perhaps your stay at home spouse dealt with a screaming child all day and just needed to feel a little bit of love in the form of taking out the trash.  Perhaps you both endured hardship with a child neglecting their studies for other activities and just need to realize it's not your parenting style but a different problem at stake.  Whatever the situation, it is wise to step back, name the problem (not the sympton) and understand more of the big picture.

LISTEN MORE & TALK LESS is a wise approach when resolving conflict.  It's good to hear the other side talk.  So often, it's easy to talk and dominate the conversation to get our point across.  This isn't a win win approach.  Perhaps allowing yourself to listen to the words being presented will clarify what the matter is truly about.  You both may be upset about an unpaid bill (i.e. the sympton) but the real problem is about NOT doing a household chore or you hurt my feelings on the phone earlier today or lack of sexual interest. 

Marriage seasons like wine over time,  and as the years add up, there will be more and more issues to surface for the different seasons of life you both live.  Nagging is easy and quick to make known a hurt.  Yet it's not profitable to your marriage and over time, the negative effects of nagging do add up to a negative balance....ultimately you may divorce because of no resolution and irreconcilable differences. 

For military marriages, nagging can hinder growth in many ways.  For example, when your spouse returns from a combat zone, it's easy to nag him to do household chores and other things.  Even though it takes time to reintegrate from a deployment, many military have just experienced a life-changing experience that few can understand. To reintegrate back into society it takes time.  Nagging is more harmful because two people are overcoming separation and reuniting to start a new lifestyle.  It just adds to the pressure rather than lift both partners up.  If you add children to the equation, it adds another level of challenge.

The financial perspective here about nagging is to watch yourself and don't do it because the negative effects are more costly than what's been realized to date. Even if you do nag (which we are all guilty of at some point in time), it's good to revert back to being kind, saving face and taking the higher road.  More important, your request of the other person matters because you matter.  If possible, reassess your request and reask it rather than nag. It is amazing what is accomplished when you change yourself and your approach.

Written by Stephanie Arredondo
(c) 2012