MIL or mother in law jokes abound in ways we least expect. The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have great news for you, Honey. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two." The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world." But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."
"Have you not read," said Jesus, "that he who made them in the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh? So that they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Mark 10:9.
Jesus addressed the importance of marriage between a man and a woman. There is a third party involved with each marriage, but it’s not our MIL or somebody else. It’s Christ himself. Military marriages benefit from a distance factor when forming their family unit. PCSing to different bases around the world forces the husband and wife to depend on one another as well as Christ. Though lonely at times, this opportunity directly supports scripture and helps couples to submit to one another.
A third of many marriages dissolve because of interference by parents or other family members unconsciously. This is a staggering statistic that puzzles many; however, over 80% of the in-law complaint letters that Ann Landers receives deal with mother in law problems, specifically the husband’s mother. Call it a clash of cultures or power plays but the fact remains that it is a challenge for many marital relationships to form their family unit.
The in law relationship can be a great blessing or a toxic relationship depending upon the two women. Obviously, both have in common one thing – they love the man who is son to one and husband to the other. Two is company and three’s a crowd can definitely challenge things. What’s remarkable is when both enjoy the in law relationship as did Ruth and Naomi. While not all mother in law relationships evolve this way, according to Terri Aptner’s What Do You Want From Me? , the issue at hand for MILs is vulnerability and the threat that this mother/son relationship is changing.
Change is inevitable, and seeing your son off on a deployment is difficult for MILs. Marriage can provide a blessing or another threat to the MIL. PTSD is on the rise with husbands returning from the combat zone, and many MILs and/or family members feel the need to step in and do something, especially when it is a young marriage. This is when tempers flare, words are spoken and unintentional pain is inflicted upon many.
When a baby is born, it can be tricky because MILs want certain family traditions passed on. Sometimes, the new mom experiences doubt and confusion as she gets critiqued by her mother in law. The MIL sees an inexperienced mother making many mistakes and feels she needs to step in for the sake of her grandchild. The husband may be deployed or on TDY orders thus adding concern and stress because he is not present. Around the holidays is when stress levels increase.
Do you have a MIL situation? Is your marriage challenged as a result of a MIL or another family member? What to do? How do you maintain some form of sanity?
Next, it’s important to set certain priorities to where your spouse is at the top of the list. Badmouthing your mother in law is not on the list. Focusing on your husband and what is needed for your marriage is THE priority in addition to prayer.
Finally, having an exchange of mutual respect with your mother in law is recommended. You want what is best for the same person as well as for the children.
Forgiveness is important especially when feelings have been hurt, and while no situation starts off great, perhaps with time, you and your MIL will improve your relationship in such a way that it will blossom and benefit so many around you. Perhaps it’s hard to smile at a person who has deeply hurt you. While no relationship is ideal and setting aside the MIL jokes, the important point is to have faith that God is with you and your spouse as you walk this wonderful journey of marriage.
by Stephanie Arredondo
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